Day 70: The Drudgery

I had hoped, by now, that I would have 70 posts highlighting my ups and downs as I psychoanalyzed my need to acquire shiny things that only clutter up my life and waste my paycheck.

Instead... it is what is.

Right now, though, I'm going through a quiet victory. And a quiet struggle. It can be both, right?

The last time I was dealing with a loss of a loved one and other great upheaval in my life, I relied hard on the dopamine hit that shopping gave me. While I've always been a bit of a magpie, I think that time of my life was when it kicked into high gear. Where it stayed. For years.

It's tempting, feeling that phantom itch, to go back to the ways that normally made me happy. But I've also been consciously attempting to not add new Shiny Clutter to my life that... there isn't the dopamine fix. I mean, there is. A little. I've created carts. I've looked up items.

But then I walk away. I close the app. I delete the emails with a discount code.

Yes, there's turmoil and grief and confusion. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I want someone else to take care of me. I want to be distracted by something lovely.

But I am... okay.

I will get through this on my own strength. Not because of a pretty bauble arriving in the mail.

As tempting as it may be.

But I need to be stronger.

I am. I can be. I will be.